so sorry it took a a while, but now I can say that it have to be the qubes kernel 5.10+ or even 5.9.14 that makes the problem.
I installed a fresh qubes 4.1 first with debian-10 default template and then only updated the stable repo of dom0 and no template, but it is not working. After updating the templates the same problem exists. It is really strange that for a short moment the connection is recoginzed and u think it is working, but then it disconnected. Then I tried an other fresh install with fedora-32 as default template, because at debian-10 there neither wlan or wired is working for me with the newer kernel. Of course even this time I did not update the template and just dom0 for the new kernel and some fixes, but unfortuntaley the same problem exists. Changing the kernel from the template of sys-net to an older doesn’t change anything. So the main problem should be that the qubes kernel affects the problem. It is not really a driver problem beacause the name of the killer and else is known by the system and the wlan is working. Maybe I can set up my network connection anyway that it will be working, but there I am not expierenced enough. The next step I will try is to install a parrot template on my qubes and try to use this a as a netvm. Maybe I have luck then, but I think not, because the qubes-kernel is running in the back. But maybe I will ty it , but last day I had some problems to set up the parrot vm and the old .rpm file from umman here unfortuntely has the wrong id and cannot be installed on 4.1, so I have to build it like the parrot documentations says first and had not the time to try this. But in a nutshell it will be very great if the team of qubes can fix that in the kernel and I am sure they will do it, if it is possible:)
I will update again as soon I tested parrot. Testing parrot without qubes I think certainly will work, cause on nearly every system my network card is working that is just a problem since the newer kernel, but I defo need to fix that anytime, because these kernels are the next longtime support and the base for gpu and else, which I like to get working within the time:) Then I will have a secure and powerful qubes ,like I prefer it for my daily uses. But this for sure will take some time hehe.