If your using XFCE, the default desktop, go to the Q icon on the top left. When you click that, you should see 4 icons in a row just under it. The last of which looks like a flower or gear. Its supposed to be a gear. Click that and you should see “Qubes Tools” “System Settings” and “Other”. Mouse over “System Settings” and you should see a more colorful menu to its right that includes “Display”. Thats what your looking for.
Just tried it, and mines grayed out too. Try dragging the icons of the displays around. You might have to turn the external one on and off again. Mine stayed grayed out the whole time, but was still able to get a non mirrored display.