Well, if anyone would, it would have to be you…
Come on, we can’t have come this far only to find out you actually secretly love the JS. Don’t hit me with that plot twist. I don’t think I could handle it… 
Because I just did it for him. 
Would you like an account? I’ll make you one. Then you can use the command line and commit patches via Tor, once you’ve finished being “busy with stuff”.
If that doesn’t work, I guess if you do want to contribute patches, I propose that you print the diffs out onto IBM punched cards, and post them to the following address:
Suite 509
SBM Tower
1 Queen Elizabeth II Ave
Place D’Armes
Port Louis
Mauritius
They will be then fed into an IBM 2501, then written to an IBM 9332-400 DASD, then placed on an ocean freighter, who will then go out into international waters, where the DASD will be spun up.
Then, the diff file will be loaded onto a Qubes OS machine booted from PXE and running entirely in RAM, with 6 different satellite internet providers’ transceivers plugged in, with accounts registered with different names for each provider.
The diff will then be encrypted using the Qubes OS public key that we all use to verify downloads, and then broken into 28-byte chunks.
It will then be sent to the Qubes devs via Tor, with each 28-byte chunk taking not only a unique onion route, but also being initiated from one of the 5 satellite transceivers, ensuring that to the fullest extent possible, nobody has a clue what the hell is going on.
Upon successful completion of upload, the punched cards will then be shredded, set on fire, and the resulting ashes thrown overboard into the Indian Ocean.
Oh yeah, all the vessel’s crew also will be blindfolded while doing this, for your protection.
No JavaScript or CSS anywhere.
I recommend posting them in a waterproof satchel. If the cards lose their stiffness and cause the machine to jam, your patch will be rejected.
Oh, and don’t forget to wear gloves.